Non-Monogamous & Neurodivergent Christmas

By Comment Closed

This is an article I wrote for Jade Farrington’s “A Community Guide to a Happy Neurodivergent Christmas” eBook. You can download it for free via Jade’s Substack here, it’s full of useful tips to help support you at Christmas.

Being non-monogamous can add extra complexity to Christmas, especially if you’re neurodivergent. Here are some ideas to consider:

  • Start thinking about what’s possible early – there may be lots of conversations needed around what everyone wants to do/can do, their boundaries, expectations and priorities.
  • What do you and others need for it to feel like Christmas if it’s important to you/them (some people may care more about other holidays)? Try not to assume what others want to do. Joint polycule celebrations, even if they’re not on Christmas Day could allow more people to be included, but notice if that may be too people-y for you or others. There are so many social expectations and traditions around Christmas – remember you don’t need to stick to these, you can build whatever works for you and your loved ones.
  • If your partner(s) are elsewhere for Christmas, what may this bring up for you (for example if you’re in a hierarchical relationship and your partner is away with their primary)? Notice if you’re comparing yourself to their other partners, this may feel more prominent as the festive season can add stress. Are there other people in your social circle that you can get support from?
  • If your family doesn’t know about/approve of your relationships, what boundaries might you need to put in place with them?
  • What are your own needs? This can be a season of people-pleasing, so it’s really important to notice what you need and not over-schedule yourself. You may feel that you have to give energy to everyone, so it’s important to recognise the warning signs that you’re overdoing it. Building a self-soothing kit to use when you’re feeling dysregulated and letting others know how they can support you can help.
  • Christmas can play havoc with our routines – what do you need to include (remember transition times) and how can you communicate that with everyone involved? How do you cope with spontaneity and do others know about this? Festive plans can change quickly the more people that are involved. 
  • Do you struggle with rejection sensitivity? This may flare up around Christmas planning, especially if you can’t be with your partner(s) when you’d like to. How can you support yourself with this, and how can others help – maybe scheduled check-ins? 
  • What methods of communication work best for you and others? Could you have an agreed time to text partners, or scheduled video calls with partners and families if you’re not going to be together in person so that everyone feels included? If you struggle to remember to send/reply to messages, think about what strategies have worked in the past, for example not opening messages until you can reply to them, using phone reminders or a whiteboard.
  • Christmas can also make relationships with people you don’t like harder (especially if alcohol is involved). You may have a meta that you don’t get on with, but feel obliged to spend time with for the sake of your relationship. If things get tense, is there somewhere you can go to decompress? Try noticing if any shame spirals or rejection sensitivity are influencing your decisions.
  • The festive season can bring up hard feelings around relationships, and may bring into focus issues that you’ve been trying to avoid. It’s OK to realise you need something different but you don’t need to make sudden changes unless you feel unsafe. Take time to work through your emotions and look at what you may need going forward, for example more communication, a different relationship structure, a wider social circle.

Christmas can be wonderful and it can also be stressful and bring up all sorts of tricky emotions and situations. Try to be kind to yourself if you’re struggling, or if communication with others doesn’t go as easily as you may hope for. 

Don’t forget to download your free copy of the eBook here. Blog image is taken from the eBook.

Eczema and Mental Health

By Comment Closed

Have you ever been asked about your mental health when looking for medical support about your eczema? I know I haven’t. Mental health wasn’t really recognised as a big issue when I was a child, I hope that children now have more support. I’ve seen GPs so many times over the decades who have treated my physical symptoms but never been asked how I’m feeling.

The shocking statistics

There’s a huge connection between eczema and mental health. Studies have shown that adults with eczema have a significantly higher chance of having various mental health issues, especially OCD (50% higher) and anxiety and depression (14% higher). We are also more likely to have bipolar disorder and are at higher risk of suicide, depending on the severity of our eczema.

How does eczema affect our mental health? 

It can make us feel isolated and embarrassed, wanting to hide our skin beneath layers of clothes or stay at home when we have flares. 

It can greatly affect our self-esteem, which can stop us from dating, looking for new jobs and making friends. 

The physical side of eczema often limits our day-to-day activities, including those that can help mental health such as exercise. 

It can be hard to concentrate at school/college/university and work while our skin is itching or causing us pain. 

We may feel frustrated at the long waiting lists to get support and the side- effects of medication, especially if we are older and weren’t told about the effects of decades of steroid use. 

Other people can be cruel, adding to our own negative feelings about our skin and building on all-too-frequent childhood bullying, which often has effects on self-esteem into adulthood.

ADHD, autism and eczema

There are also strong links between eczema, autism and ADHD. This combination of conditions often adds extra problems, including sensory issues with creams, ointments and moisturisers and impulsivity making it harder not to scratch.

What can we do to help ourselves?

I really wish I had a magic wand to fix this, but sadly that doesn’t exist. However, stress is one of the biggest eczema triggers. If we can lower our stress levels, we may get less flare-ups and improve our wellbeing. 

Here are some ideas:

  • Look at what’s in your stress bucket and how to empty it.
  • Spend some time outside, ideally in nature – try and get some daylight every day if you can.
  • Plan relaxing activities into your day such as yoga, meditation or crafting.
  • Look at your basic physical needs – are you drinking enough water, eating a balanced diet and getting enough sleep? I know these can be really hard when you’re struggling, especially if you’re neurodivergent, so be kind to yourself and try making tiny changes.
  • Try grounding techniques to lessen distressing feelings, I have a free resource on this when you sign up to my newsletter.
  • Talk to people about what you’re going through – a trusted friend or family member, an online or in-person eczema group or a mental health professional.

I hope this has been helpful for you. Get in touch if you’re interested in getting support from me about your eczema.

Are you a counsellor or therapist who is interested in knowing more about working with eczema? I have an introductory guide e-book available here. I also offer consultation sessions around working with eczema.